WOW! I was so freaked out about having to do chemo and three months seems like a really long time. It dawned on me yesterday that ROUND THREE was today. (Six more rounds to go before we check to see what the cancer is doing.) I almost danced a jig!
I never got around to blogging about Round Two because it went well and I'm a superstitious person on some levels. No need to leak it to the universe that it went well and have it go downhill! I shared with family and friends, enjoyed that it was going so well, and half expected the other shoe to fall mid-week.
When I woke up Thursday back to ME, I was thrilled. Next week is my off week so that made me happy. I always want to call them on Thursday to let them know I have energy, feel good, and ask, "Can I please have my weekend? I'll be there Monday." I don't. They have a schedule for a reason. But I realized next Friday I'll be me. Then I realized I probably will be myself for a whole week and that thrilled me to no end.
The other shoe dropped today... it always does but I'm real adapt at dealing with it. Humor is key. My port has flipped upside down. I was willing to put on the big girl panties and deal with the pain for someone to flip it today. Unfortunately, it is tender enough I wince when they prod it too much so the surgeon that put it in said he couldn't do that to me. I almost begged, "Do it. Hurt me if you need to because I'll survive it! Just do it!"
He is a man of faith and has prayed several times with me. Unusual to find a doctor that is willing to bring his faith into the picture. I like that. He said he couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to open me up in the hospital where the environment is more sterile. Dr. M asked about insurance, my deductible, and offered to do it in his office so it would not be such an expense. I about fell over. I declined because if your faith, your gut, your instincts, or whatever that tiny little voice is tells you to do this in the hospital then hospital it is!
So I return Wednesday to have it flipped & stitched or replaced if defective. A port hurts. Someone said it hurts worse than child bearing. I can't relate to that but what I can tell you is that I've experienced pain in my life but NOTHING has ever hurt like this did. It hurts to lay down on that side, hurts to reach out & open a door, hurts to lift the smallest thing, etc. It's on the right side and I'm right handed. You just don't realize the muscles you use with every movement until something like this is stuck in your body!
I really want my off week. I want to feel good and go visit my second family. I hope the surgery Wednesday won't take that away from me. But if it does then there is probably a reason and I'm okay with that.
Being diagnosed with cancer enters you into a major stress zone. Life as you know it has simply ceased to exist. The petty stuff that we all get caught up in, because it's part of living, part of being out in the world and brushing up against people, stress at work, bills, etc., simply isn't important. This amazes me that all the things I worried over before have become a flicker of dust. And I've got some Pledge! LOL Seriously, once the acceptance sets in and you realize that you truly can let go and watch things simply work out, life just got a whole lot easier.
Sure I still have worries... my car is messed up and do I repair it again or replace it? I can't afford a car pmt at this time. But then I think that it works for my errands and I'm blessed with a large circle of support that will get me to any chemo treatments so I don't stress over it. Worry might be the wrong word. There are still things that pop up that I just don't get upset over anymore. It'll work out. I call this free falling.
I've done it a time or two in my life. Just let go and trusted that things work out..... sometimes I forget it can be that easy. And I don't mean sitting back not being productive or proactive but just letting go in your mind and having the faith that it works out. It usually does.
Life as I knew it stopped on a dime but in return I've gained time with family & friends, self-reflection, the opportunity to wipe away those little specks of dust and see how good my life really has been. I am blessed and I forgot how blessed until recently. It's humbled me, made me cry, and filled my heart with joy.
I always say "Life is good!" but I can say it now with a deeper meaning. Life is good. Every day will be a treasure and I hope that is a lesson I never forget. I've tried. I think we all have moments we realize we need to stop & smell the roses but then the pettiness of life just happens. Cancer might not be curable but cancer cuts through the pettiness and once you get past the denial you see the world in a different light. I wish I could show you.... it's pretty spectacular!
MONTH ONE IS DONE! And my life is good!
4 comments:
This is really good Pam!!! I loved the line where you stated "I forgot that it can be so easy" I've never heard it put that way and some things I am going through now, I could well learn that! THANK YOU! The port issue is kind of making goose bumps come up on my arms...literally felt a shiver down my spine....I can't imagine that pain and I had natural child birth twice! But like I say, you are a tough cookie!
Love you and your ramblings, lady..I get bits of your updates via text on my phone-until I get to the computer I don't see it all or the pics..but I smile everytime I "hear" from you. Wish I had even a bit of your gumption and courage.
Are the wall things an applique, do ya think? Too cool! Did you see the one "no soliciting, except for Girl Scout cookies"?
Hope your weekend is super uneventful and full of fun. Hey, tator tot casserole here was a hit. Thanks for sharing, EVERYTHING :)
~Vicki~
Love this Pam !
Good to know your doctor is a Christian, it is helpful to know your doctor gets his direction from THE ONE WHO KNOWS ALL and LOVES YOU!
Well, maybe once your port is fixed, it will be less sore. Maybe it hasn't been quite right from the beginning and will feel better once fixed.
I haven't experienced cancer, but there have been other life experiences for me that have given me the clarity you described. I overanalyze things anyway, but once Jessie was born, I've done a whole lot of thinking. You know too, some of my earlier life experiences, that weren't of the rosy nature. Sometimes when people are whiny about things that, in the big scheme of things, are petty, it is impossible not to think, you just need some REAL problems, you've got to be kidding me! It's all about perspective.
When Jessie needed open heart surgery, anything else about Down syndrome no longer mattered. Even though the surgery she needed has a great success rate,about 90%,when the surgeon tells you, "there is a 10% mortality rate associated with this surgery", if you're smart, you use that experience and never forget....every single day, every moment is a precious gift to be enjoyed. Most of the stressful things in this life, in a relatively short time, simply will not matter. Often, we are willing to let our joy go over trivial and insignificant (in the big picture)things. I sometimes do it, but that's not who I want to be and refuse to live there.
Really glad to hear that although your circumstances are trying, in your words, "my life is good". I thank God you feel that way.
Praying for your surgery tomorrow.
Love you friend.
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